I hope to revisit this one day
Hope this expose is helpful to somebody
knowing this has helped in healing me
I just don’t know if it is worth telling 

but if you want to know me
this gives you access to me most completely 

there is a lot of emotional labor
that you will need 

so stay with me
if you must
looking for love

some people hurt me
some people hurt by me 

regrets
lots of what I thought was love
lots of me selling my morals out
hopefully a lesson or two 

CHILDHOOD

I was born to a home
with parents plural
in the suburbs of Seattle
a nuclear home
a radioactive home
an 80’s home
built of glass
on cliff sands a foundation
that was shakier than some
stood my home
on the cliff line
on a lot so large
that neighbors were too far
to hear any sound from inside its walls
 
this home
reminds me of rape
when I enter two different rooms
physical violence in others
molestation in two more
I never feel safe at home
so I have learned to make my own
 
one of my youngest childhood memories
is of a girl named Danielle
crying on the first day of kindergarten
i remember
not understanding
why she was so sad
to be left on her own
and have her parents go home
 
after that I remember my home
the richness of our pocketbooks
and the poorness of our love  
 
a large piece of land  
with a three car garage
and a loft above
that is disorganized and cluttered
a bridge that connected that
to the house on the hill
with a large glass wall
that frames a dormant volcanic 14,410 ft tall
A master and two bedrooms
A family room
That houses the largest TV
the comfeist couch
and where my dad would often stay
when not out working night and day
 
this house is
surrounded by a garden
full of weeds
with pavers laid
by immigrant hands
 
a large yard that I would often mow
for too much money per hour, even for now
a lawn that later turn into a japanese garden
the push mower that later turn into a rider
 
the balcony
that I would throw
things off
some for fun
like parachute men
some out of anger
I survived sexual, physical, and emotional abuse
by my family
my bio family
they took me for granted
I learned to live without them
 
and I did take their money for granted
that generosity
my appreciation for money
it would have to come more gradually than my feeling of safety
 
I remember the violence of my childhood
like being slapped by my babysitter
and me chasing sitters out of my house with a metal bat
 
I remember kicking our house cat
trying to drop it to see if a cat would landed true
and the cat scratching me as it fended for its life
 
I remember my mom pushing my older brother
my older brother pushing my mom much harder
towel racks falling
holes in the walls
me throwing a chair threw a sliding glass window
because no one would listen to you
 
as a child
I remember my own room
some days
I barricaded the doors
some days
it had no doors
some days
my life was in theirs
some days  
I felt unsafe doing anything
running away constantly
to hide in the bushes
hide in the bushes from monsters
after being slapped
after being hit
after having shoes flung at me
after being chased and pinned down
after being beat senseless
until I got bruises and missed school
until eventually
things calmed down
and I would go inside
probably the worse decision of my life
to go back inside instead of running away for the rest of my life
I decision I would later make right
 
feeling like they never listened to me
nor touched  
nor told me that they loved me
unless they hurt me
they put the blame of violence on me
having never hit anybody
they would tell me
I was the one that would go to jail
if the police were called
because I was
bigger than my mom
and my mom would say
if they find out
your dad would lose everything
we don’t want that do we
 
I remember my parents fighting
mom being aggressive again
my dad making excuses for her
and taking no blame
my dad being okay with watching her do it again and again
them separated one time
my dad living in another place
or in the loft
them fighting a lot
I remember a war house
a love of the horror show
 
I remember begging for a nintendo 64
when they first came out
manipulating them into buying it
and not understanding the price point
I remember power outages that christmass
and playing games by the generator
 
there was sex in my childhood
being fucked here and there by my brother
this I only remembered it years later
I can feel the moment of dissociation
I can see the brainwaves scrambling
feel the moment of insertion
feel the pain
feel that catatonic out of body feeling
it was just some of the sexual abuse I endured
a circumcision  
a SECOND circumcision
my dad holding my dick while pissing
finding porn  
my dad’s, my brothers, the internets, the TV’s
watching porn constantly  
watching scrambled porn at night while they slept
porn has stayed with me
printed porn
computer porn
VHS porn
internet porn
 
I remember a male babysitter masterbating infront of me
telling me its okay
it will wash out with water he said to me
a female babysitter and I playing stripping games
me naked and her mostly clothed
basically using me
to explore sexually
while being entrusted with caring for me
she would later apologize
on her way to 12-step recovery
and I would say
that I had worst problems anyway
 
I remember dancing with a step cousin all night long with an erection
grinding and being hard
with the cousin
also with one of my friends
on sleep overs
rubbing dicks together
without ever talking about it
just doing it 

I remember going to school and being called a Jew
I remember calling one of my friends a Rice Stick
That was how we made fun of our friends in my social group
That is how we thought we showed affection
showed love
I remember the teacher coming in once
and seeing a Star of David on the board
telling us to take it down
it being to symbolize the team of David and me
I remember inviting my friends over
and asking for my birthday if there would be no Jew jokes
and then opening a car full of them
it hurts
 
I came forward with the trauma of sexual abuse and incest
six years after experiencing it
after I woke up to realize it
I remember my mom crying
a written apology from my brother
that I lost some time ago
trying to let it go
and thinking it was all normal
no charges pressed
some counseling
then none
they would tell me I didn’t talk enough to counselors
so they stopped taking me to them
stopped getting me help
felt like sweeping the family elephant under the rug
 
I remember doing sports all season
then my mom complaining about everything I was taking
then my sports slowing down
me doing less things because of what she said
trying to please them instead
 
I remember the romantic love of my childhood
First girlfriend was in sixth grade
I remember it feeling like I was valued
I would later break up with her
she would later find me years later and ask why
it felt like peer pressure
but I never had the confidence to tell her why
and that question felt like she was still holding a grudge against me to this day
 
I remember asking out both identical twins at my junior high
I remember asking out a girl to prom with a note wrapped in rubberbands and getting a no
I was a creep
I never got laid
I was a tool
I always got played
I had a few dates
had a girlfriend in junior high
for a short time
she was a great artist
and I thought she wasn’t that pretty  
but I wanted to kiss somebody
so I used her to get a kiss
brought her a flower from the flower shop
while we were in a movie
and got a kiss
then felt peer pressure
felt people mock her
and dumped her because I was immature like this
 
I remember another girl
that I broke up with too
she was very lovely
but people made fun of her too
said she had cankles and I agreed
dumped her and lost a great girl indeed
 
I fell in love with love line on late night radio
I would listen to the sex talk
I would listen to the advice
they talked about getting out of your abusive home
they talked about going to college to make this happen
I listened
I learned about sex
I planned my escape
 
In high school
I had a few close friends to play cards with and hang
that was mostly my existence
there was aviation at my school
I took to it and learned
after going to summer school and getting a pilot’s license at 17
 
I remember running for the school popularity contest
reading in a haze some speech someone had wrote for me
someone that I called a “reverse oreo” and offended
I remember us having a fight
with gear and all
and me losing because I got the wind knocked out of me
them being coach all the while
setting me up for failure and revenge
at the same time I remember one of their friends
a head cheerleaders being my friend and leading me on
I still am unsure what happened or if that was a group I belonged
feel like a tool for just thinking that still
 
I remember playing sports
water polo
no good
swimming
barely any good
got the most improved
award
cross-country
okay
track
the same
basketball
could never make the cut
I remember I loved them a lot
they got me out of the house
they kept me busy
I remember I made friends in them eventually
and they used me to drive them places
because I had a car to do that
 
I remember hot tubing as a teenager in a friend’s house
whip cream and syrup and boobs in the mouth
I remember dating someone
taking them into the city
playing dominoes in this house
while they were doing something in the back
taking them home
driving them down an abandoned road
hoping for head
and them telling me I would have to pay instead
being shocked
then taking them home
blabbing about it at school
and never seeing them again
apparently they had an unfortunate end
 
Senior year I found another girlfriend
met her at a haunted house
I could of dated her friend
dated her instead
less wholesome and could get her quicker into bed
got laid
lost my virginity
in the back of my car
down the road from where I lived
and had trouble cumming
this is a constant problem
she told me she had her tubes tied
obviously lied
would find out later she had a kid
shortly after what we did
 
I remember us being tore apart against my will
by my parents
unhealthy relationship
but I took it hard still
became depressed
stayed in bed
my parents tried to wake me up
with pots and pans
the ringing in my ears
drenched with water
still staying home from school
and not moving
running away
in my car
skipping school
sleeping it off
driving home
almost colliding head on
now the car was gone
 
I remember barely graduating
only going back
because I moved out
and lived with one of my parent's friends
I remember them waking me up
after I passed out jacking off
finding me in bed
with a playboy magazine open to the spread
gasping something
closing the door
and saying nothing of the sort
 
this changed my world view
that this could not start drama was new
I knew that this maturity
was what it meant to be in good company
 
I remember being good at school itself
testing well and being in AP classes
but never top of the class
never disciplined enough
being pushed into aviation
being a center of family pride
doing what I had to stay alive
fearing for my life
being sexualized
being victimized
like being in a horror film sometimes
glad I came out with my life
from after it I must apologize for all of what I did
say sorry, for I was never a kid
despite my childhood life
I survived
and hurt quiet a few
so much so
I don’t know
if you will love me through 

COLLEGE 

I remember arriving at college
in central Florida
having been there before
for summer school
where I met a few people
almost died in a plane crash
and almost killed myself
where we had been schooled for getting too close
where they had played a trick on me
by getting me to have phone sex
with someone before I saw them
then showing me a picture of someone larger
and making fun of me
it did bother me
i don’t remember that we had phone sex after that  

I remember going down to visit someone I knew
that was also bigger  
and getting them to blow me
I don’t remember eating them out either
I think I didn’t reciprocate
It feels like I was disrespectful to her till this day
I remember it taking me a while to come
like it most always does  
and wanting to
then telling her just a little longer and getter her to continue to give oral to me
and her parents where in the other room
I remember her dad giving me the eye when we briefly said hi and they didn’t know me and I was spending the night! 

After I got my pilot’s license
and aviation was taught in my high school
and I barely graduate school
I had only applied to this one private aviation school
to go as the promise one of the family
the one with ambition
it was scary
it was fun
it got me out of the house and on the run
into the sky and on with MY life 

I got all Bs and As
got scabies
joined a fraternity
still think saying “frat" is derogatory
was complacent in hazing
was complacent in racism
heard my share of southern flair 

still never had many non straight non white friends
had a few
school was 90% males
made a few friends
a few gay ones
saw drag shows
hanged out with them
my dad told me the scabies came from them
and knew I was wasn’t straight because of the scabies   
had oral sex with a person my friend group called shrek the whole time after we hooked up
a female embodied person
probably some of the best oral sex of my life
I love when people stroke fast with their hand
and still give you oral again
love it sloppy
love it fast
love it hard
I remember fooling around with them  
while their roommate slept on another occassion
definitely had a thing for their roommate
that experience feels fucked up
feels like a power move
their roommate later told me I was one of many
and their slut shaming got to me
feels like a last laugh really 

I remember when facebook was so new
I created one of the first accounts
people were telling everyone to get on that
and I met a the female embodied person from junior high school
the person I remember seeing one day when my mom dropped me off
they had such long hair
flowing down their back
as they too were dropped off
it flung that way long hair can only
I loved people with long hair ever since
this person i really miss
this person I became poly with
this person I teased abused hurt
and felt victimized by because
of the turmoil created by me
they have never talked again to me

after we created our facebook accounts
some of the first ones around
we talked on the phone
we met up when I went home
I made a move on them
and we made out on our first date
after watching a movie
during the credits
we fucked on the floor new years day
while my friend of the time
made out with a not yet (in)famous Seattleite
while we crashed someplace foreign
I came so well
when we were parting at the end of this break
she called me and asked
so we are boyfriend and girlfriend right?! 
I didn’t really know
I hadn’t thought like that until they said the line
I took the bait and said yes, yes we are, you are right
I wish I would of took a night to make my mind right
that’s how I prefer to make big decisions now  
I took the bait and said yes, yes we are, you are right
selling out my feelings in the moment for what they wanted
for the feeling of doing what is right
to make pleasurable the moment
I never thought much of their objective looks at the time
I thought they were a stepping stone of mine
I had never had a girlfriend
never the opportunity to have one really
I entered one joyfully
to learn about what this felt like to me
to learn how good my love was
thinking I could romantically love even if I wasn’t super attracted
I did learn to love them
and love them to this day
just went about it in the wrong way
that is for all for the next section
this happened early
in my college days
I would have a girlfriend mostly
through them
about 3 years of them
I stayed faithful
watched a lot of porn
read about sex
read about aviation
slept in classes that I got As
slept on couches
played video games
drank
learned to cook for myself
learned to workout
convinced my partner to do the same
they got super skinny
I encourage this and we healthy
I gave gifts of exercise equipment
they would later say that hurt them
I thought I was being supportive at the time
It took me until now to realize 

POST COLLEGE

After I graduate college in the summer
the ceremony was small
I moved back home
for a short time
then I moved to Seattle
living with my presumed brother
living with my childhood abuser
still dating the one I was faithful to
I began to teach people to fly too
the work wasn’t enough
the commute was some times rough
1 hour or more
I have a habit of waiting until the last moment to go 

My brother exposed me to weed
I think I asked for it
he had a lot of it
sold it to my mom from time to time
i bought from him
i would smoke and fly
but not at the same time
I would work at Toys R Us
stocking shelves
late at night
I would work at Amazon
picking packages
I would be stressed out from all of this
I would see more of the same
white men
privileged people buying flight time
a car dealer’s daughter
a doctor or two
it was a bit stressful too
never thought I was a good pilot
my legs would shake
when anything got close to an emergency
i would scare the students
when that happened
when the flaps wouldn’t come down
I didn’t realize it then
It was probably because I have always had anxiety
always been afraid to die
I thought doing what I wanted
instead of what my parents wanted
was the best course for my life
it turns out they were mostly right
its just hard to follow someone that lies
that says one thing and does another one entirely
that flaps their wings
and squawks like a monkey
when I tell them I am leaving flying 

I also left my brother’s home
he threw my stuff on the street one night
and I left the next weekend
without him knowing that it was time
down the road a little ways
to set up in a small studio home
with my girlfriend
the deposit payed by my dad
hurray for all the privilege I had
I would slowly pull away from my family
my brother’s girlfriend would out me
tell my mom I was bisexual and poly
I would tell her it was true
after all I just read a book that said that is the best thing you could do
when someone outs you
not deny it at all
She would tell me
You are going to get AIDS and DIE
it would crush me inside
I would never contact her again until my life felt like it was coming to an end 

I remember what comes next
and it pains me to write it out
because it haunts me
because I basically felt like I was dying
and feel like I took advantage of someone
feel like I might of raped someone
even if they wanted it
feel like I use them
feel like I devalued them
because they had a larger body type
feel like I disregarded their feelings because of that
feel like I had always done that for those that seemed fat
remember dating them
during my poly relationship
it felt so hard to get someone as a man
it feels today more like desperation than love
more like someone to use than someone to build
another relationship with
I have always been hard
to be a good lover
hard me to tell someone
I was not attracted to them
especially after getting entangled 

This is how it went down
I came over high
they asked me to fuck
i didn’t want to fuck
I started to walk out
then jumped on them
and fucked them hard
and came quickly
it felt dirty
felt rapey
felt like I was using them
sometimes I can come easier
if I just think like I am using someone to come
it doesn’t make me feel good
they never said no
not that that matters one bit
they might of even said they didn’t think of it
I think they did
but I forgot this
and tried to apology a few times
I have so much anxiety around this
thinking I raped someone
or just feeling like I did
it haunts me
I always want consent
I always want no kids
in every relationship I start
in every instance
I also need to be more committed
to loving myself and those around me
more committed to being anti-rape culture
I never want to feel that again
I never want to be in that position again
I never want to hurt someone sexually again
I know what it has done to me
I know what it can do to somebody
and it is always more complex than you think
more different than you can believe 

a near death experience would be coming soon
after the shrooms
after the isolation
during the delusion
losing most everything 

AFTER THAT      

the part with my reconciliation
my struggling
my after the post college audition
which I don’t know how well it is going
I guess I will have to see to it that I am doing well

WHAT I AM LEARNING AND THINKING NOW

It is more like
once you know
what it takes
to do so
and what happens
when you do
you stop caring
what they think of you
you never want to be disgraced
or experience falling from it in the first place

in time a very bad reputation fades
and for those that have bad experiences with you
even though you try your best for them not to
they are just fine without you 

that closure is a luxury & 
                           petty 

that your strengths are your strengths
and your weaknesses your weaknesses
that they seldom change
you must learn to manage them
that it is the platinum
not the golden
rule
that will always be the most true 

that sex deserves respect
that porn has an ethical dilema
not a moral one
that sex culture can be weaponized
and anything for that matter can 

that discipline is important
that consistency is essential to greatness
it separates the good from the great ones
that humility is important
that you learn that their is never justice
you plead guilty
for the lease punishment
that their are attachment disorders
and everybody is human
everybody people 

that belonging happens
when you believe that you do 

That touch is very important
that you can get it from dance
one of the only structural places
besides cuddle parties
which is stigmatized
were dance is rather romanticized
that touch
makes me feel much better  

That I miss the view
from my childhood home
Nothing like a house
overlooking a valley
with a mountain
in the background 

That it takes a meme to change a human being 

that we need to reconcile our ideals
with our current reality 

that the moon is half waxing
the words we are saying
that some are taxing
taxing me mentally
what the word s-u-c-k means
when i look at the etymology
see ballocks
see that’s gay
see that blows
see homophobia
that hearing fuck it
makes me think something different
feeling conquestial
feeling the winning
feeling competitive

do we feel that we conquer things by fucking them? 

YEARNING

I will build a garden with rocks
inject the sand that surrounds me with concrete
to build the foundation of my new home
planting trees for timber as I go
for now I walk this land looking for the rocks with the most moss
picking them up
dusting them off and gently wiping dirt away 

looking for cracks, looking for chips
to see which ones crumble to bits
examine sharp sides and decide
where to file each stone
and I will warm them by a fire for good measure
pray for them
use my will and voice to make their moss grow
for my lifetime I will place these rocks
so their moss shall grow and blanket my home
enchant it with lush love 

and all the rocks I find without moss
while I move through this world
will be carefully placed
where they fit best
whether that be in the concrete sand I shall inject 

even the ones thrown about, walked upon, or with, or through
I will inspect them and build my home again
making it sturdier than ever after
framing my home in the image of welcome
building myself a cathedral
and humbling myself to a gazebo

warmed in the winter by extra timber 

On the roof of the gazebo
I will place stained glass
I will place every color in the rainbow
above the people that will dance below
every shade
every tone
the summer sun will cast down a warm flurry of disco  
painting the beautiful faces of this world 

unfortunate for me this can only be a dream
and I can only be apart of planting the seeds for the lumber for the trees
I’ll grow an orchard until my vision can be seen
for death comes sooner than do these large trees grow
when I pass away
I hope to pass down
a strong garden
trees to turn into old growth planks
a will that requests a dancefloor sprung
on top of rocks and concrete
and with enough capital to start the project before I go
but I will not pass away  
for this most beautiful floor with garden
having never danced before
this world is the most beautiful dance floor we have seen today
from street to street
garden to garden
birth home to choosen home
I shall build love
with brave dancers of this world  

for even as the trees grow
I am dancing now
in the smallest garden
the moss is starting
for these seedlings will eventually be
the planks that I will need
a sprung floor
a dancing humanity 

trees grown by me
surrounded by a lush garden
in a gazebo warmed by fire and dance
to be a fairy garden and tail indeed
at the end of a carpet velvet green
shall be a wood floor
a labor of love
a dancer's grace
an embodied place