Persona Non Grata

Today at a protest. I was kicked out of a march by security after some BAC organizers showed up. An Asian Woman approached me and asked me what I am was doing there. Having another week laughed after she said “Gook” and that being after I laughed at someone saying “All Live Matter”. I wonder if it was a set up, but I think it is just trauma flashes. I was laughing at the fact that I knew who probably said that. I was right. When people disrespect a Movement, they are shocked when somebody that’s not afraid to die takes it personally and disrespects them to a degree that they’ve been shown before. It shocks the system. Black people deal with name calling and the most highly charged names daily at times. Asian people I think not so much… but don’t personally know.

I tried to ignore her, but she confronted me. I didn’t raise my voice, but it makes me sad as I write this. It aligns with so many of my trigger points from being banned with Poetry from the Slam. A slam I felt was like church and a safe place for me to find myself. Now, I feel like I am more myself. Maybe some light drug use, but ME. And unabashedly that way. The last three years after I identified that I had Complex PTSD I think I am finally on the other side of it. I stood with my hands in my pockets. Didn’t try to make eye contact when they entered the circle. I made eye-contact when she was talking. I wasn’t looking for a fight or to talk, but I stood my ground. I was showing up their for the ritual of it. I guess I need a more secure practice like church… Would of probably just been lead into another traumatic event anyway because they arrested someone.

This triggers my PTSD particularly because of the anti Nikkita Oliver flier. I feel good to have minimized damage and have gotten out of there. I don’t even need to go back to make an impact on things, but I will follow up with my leads and see where they go. I will continue to organize. I feel proud to have grown so much from the first banning to the next… wild ride. It makes me sad. There is no novelty anymore in the movement for me.

With an Asian Woman against a Black man. I have taken the side of the Black men.

I think their is a lot of trauma on display. I could of yelled back. I could of stood up for myself more than, “That’s not true”, in a low voice. I hate to see someone doing that to me. Lying on my name like that. I said what I wanted to say actually in some ways. I guess I would of wished my posture would of been better.

What is true about my relationship with a Trans Person of Color is that I fucked up in calling my ex friend outside their name a “Mother Fucker” in a highly charged event with pigs, and we never fully recovered. I really wanted to call them a “bitch”, but I stopped and called them a mo fo because I felt used at the time and might of reached for the harsher word.

(I called myself the N-word today or compared myself to one because I was struggling with a gas tank cap and feeling real dumb. I know I has ingrained racism, but would never call someone that and have never. If I ever said it, it was in jokes from teenager to college, but even then I don’t think I ever did with a clear conscious.)

I went on to learn more about my ex friend and called them outside their name again when I discovered more confusing facts that didn’t line up and confronted them with it. Shit blew up. I had a feeling they were using me in my gut when they blurted out that they had cancer when we were in a pot shop, and I was deciding how much to spend...

Then I saw the short “Black June” and they were saying that they had just done chemo in Las Vegas. It seemed hard to believe that all the time we were hanging out (a few months) it was never mentioned or that the timeline felt so off since it was chemo just before June and Chemo again after November. I have never had experience with cancer personally, so I find it hard to call that out, but I did say that after watching Black June I think you lied to me about your personal life and they blew up. They put on 5 second disappearing messages and talked some shit. We ended by calling each other names at the end. Me saying “You are a bitch if you don’t answer” in between calling several times with an unsuccessful conversation on the phone with more name calling from them and me taking it.

The protesters in the streets feel so misguided, but I wasn’t doing any good being there today. I reached out to the organizers, but I’m not holding my breath. I speak the truth. My truth, and try to stand up to amplify those less privilege than me. I’m not perfect, but the yolk is on some of our faces these days as protesters. We divide ourselves plenty good, and they know how to divide us. When we ought to be throwing eggs at them. We are instead throwing words at each other. I feel farther away from them and there are like 20 people in the streets these days on Saturday marches.

After I was kicked out, they arrested someone that always shows up in group for chalk. You can hear a child crying in the background…

I feel like I have handled this well or at least good enough. I avoided the fight, but rolled over. I have another day to fight the good fight and try my best. I feel like I have an abusive pattern with money, and that people take advantage of me…. I need to continue to speak my truth, have less negative self talk, and focus on watching what I say so as not to offend. I think when I said, “Have a nice day!” at the end like I do with people that are rude at the camp at the end of the conversation, it might of struck a nerve. I saw her get nervous and bump a table. You could see her shaking.

If the protesters marching in the streets these days continue, what will happen? It is already fizzled to mostly grifters (to be harsh) and dedicated & resilient ones to be kind. Twitter these days for me is mostly pro cop bullshit and people begging for money. I will eventually need a job…